Lately I have had this bubble of anger sitting in my chest. I know it isn’t PMS because it has been there, ready to explode at a wrong glance, a wrong tone, a wrong breath since before the New Year. I am angry at serious and frivolous things alike. My anger isn’t directed at anyone. It is just there. Existing in a place that I am determined to keep locked down, beaten back and tamed.
I am angry
…because I let Scott convince me that it was okay to quit my job.
…because he was so good at convincing me (although to be fair, I really didn’t need much convincing).
…because I have been passed over for every single job I have applied for, even the ones I didn’t really want in the first place.
…because my best friend hurts and I am helpless.
…because I still have to budget every cent perfectly or we end up not eating or paying a bill.
…because I can’t buy my children the things they want.
…because every decision I make is based on needs versus wants.
…because I let friendships slip away and do nothing about it.
…because I can’t afford to buy chickens and rabbits yet.
…because some conversations always end in a fight no matter what I do.
…because I won’t stick to a diet or exercise routine.
…because I don’t want to disappoint my family and I know I do.
…because I feel isolated and alone.
…because I cry and can’t explain to Scott why.
…because every time I sit down to write, I end up staring at a blank screen wondering where I got this crazy idea that I could write.
…because I waste so much time doubting my own abilities.
…because I shouldn’t have to justify or defend my choices.
…because nine years ago I listened to one single doctor instead of getting a second opinion.
…because the one thing in the world that I want I don’t think I can ever have.
I am angry because I feel so very angry.
I feel wrapped up in a tornado hovering over a whirlpool right next to the edge of a black hole. And it makes me want to puke.
Anger is akin to gravity I think. A silent invisible force that you don’t really think about until BAM! There it is whipping your emotions into intense hot radiating flames that strike out without warning. Ran out of milk? No problem any other day, but today? ANGER! And that empty milk jug represents all that is wrong in the world and who the Hell can I yell at and blame because Bloody Hell there isn’t any milk for my Damn coffee. Disregard the fact that I was the one that drank the last of it yesterday at dinner when I just had to have a Black Russian.
It would be nice if we could subdue our emotions like Vulcans, but that would detract from our humanity and play into a fantasy. And my anger, petty and frivolous as it might be, is still very real and very painful and I should acknowledge it.
And now that I have, I can figure out what to do with it.
I can’t change what happens in life any more than I can change the rotation of the moon. But I can change my attitude and my emotional outlook on things. So, I might be angry right now for a variety of reasons but that certainly doesn’t mean I can’t change how I feel. I can accept the anger for what it is and work to overcome it, to turn it into something positive. As it happens I claim to like change and Scott says I thrive in chaos. The very circumstances I find myself in right now: Change and Chaos. I certainly wouldn’t mind if the universe calmed down a bit for me…smoothed out some of these rough patches that I am feeling, maybe even made something easy for me.
But maybe that’s too much to ask for, so leave off the easy part. I can deal with doing things the hard way.
And I certainly don’t mind a challenge.
So…I guess that means smooth is out too.