Time for an Update

So. A year, huh?

Many good intentions were had. Procrastination happened.

I've been out so long...is blogger even still a thing? Is anyone still out there? I thought about starting a shiny new blog, here or elsewhere, but...yeah, I'm a bit to lazy for that.

I've got some things to say. Stuff to share.

No promises though.

The Countdown Is On

There’s a two-part episode of Star Trek Voyager titled “Year of Hell” in which Captain Janeway and her crew suffer a series of calamities over the course of a year. Eventually, through the magic of temporal phenomenon, everything ends up honky-dory, and the Year of Hell never happens. Voyager’s crew continues on their journey unaware of the disasters that befell them or they avoided...I’ve never understood temporal mechanics.

There have been more times than I can count that I’ve wished for a temporal phenomenon to undo this year or fast forward it. My very own, very real, very intense Year of Hell. As science fiction isn’t all science fact yet, that leaves me just waiting for the end of 2014.

Many times, almost daily, I ask myself what right have I to complain. I know people who’ve been through far too much for me to ever complain about anything. How dare I mope when people are starving, when wars rampage across the world, when cities burn, and mothers lose their children! Who am I to lie in bed at night crying? My husband holds me but is helpless to comfort me because I am inconsolable. In those moments, I allow myself to fall because I tell myself that grief is not a contest and there is no measurable way to compare pain, that even though others have suffered far more than I could ever imagine, my anger, sadness, and hurt are just as real.

I count, I breathe, I pull myself together because I have no other choice.

Am I depressed? Yeah. Clearly. There’s no denying that. My one and only solace? I know that my depression is situational. That things are generally shit right now, but it won’t be like this forever. I know that as long as I keep putting my feet on the ground every morning, that someday it won’t feel like such a chore. There are days when my smile is genuine and my laughter is not forced. And those days are slowly starting to outnumber the others.

I’ve said it before that I should have done an anonymous blog, then maybe, I’d post more about my life. Maybe if I had a top secret super blog I’d vent, I’d rant, I’d utilize an outlet that I honestly should have been using: my words. My chaos has been my own this year. I’ve not wanted to share it or talk about it here or anywhere, so even an anonymous blog would have sat unattended this year. I’ve got 31 more days to go in what I expected to be a great year. I have used this year as an excuse for not writing, not crafting, not doing and that’s got to change. Whether I post to a public blog or just jot notes in a journal, writing has always helped me work through my issues and I need to get back to that.

In 31 more days I’ll have survived 2014.

In 31 more days I’ll file 2014 away as a lesson learned.

In 31 more days I’ll jump into 2015 looking to exceed rather than endure. 

 

Scott asked me the other day if I expected 2015 to magically be better. Of course not, I said. But it’s like a clean slate. New Years is a tangible mark, a concrete, albeit human, passage of time. Time allows distance and clarity, healing and hope. Time, right now, is the best friend I’ve got.

This year I fell. Come January 1st, I will start standing again.

Changes

I'm not burnt out on blogging. Let me just make that clear. It would be great to say amazing things are happening: I won the lotto, I discovered a new element, Scott and I bought an RV and are currently traveling the lower 48, my novel was getting published.

But none of those dreams have come to pass...yet.

In all honesty, my job has changed gears and although I am now working a normal 9-5 day by the time I get home, dinner, kids, chores...you know the drill, the last thing I feel like doing is sitting at the computer. When I worked 2nd and 3rd shift, it was easier to define my time. I could work on a blog post in the morning when the girls were at school or in the middle of the night when all was quiet at work and I didn't feel like I was short-shifting my time with the girls.

I don't know how other do it! Jobs, kids, chores, blogs?

Well, no. I do know. We make time for what we prioritize. I get that. And right now, my problem is that this blog, blogging in general, just isn't a priority. I've got other things that I need and want to focus on. 

Am I saying goodbye? 

No. 

No, I'm not shutting down. I'm not going anywhere. 

But trying to force myself to commit to a blogging schedule just stresses me out. It stops being fun and entertaining and becomes a chore, just one more thing I need to take care of like the laundry or mowing the lawn. So for the time being, I'll work on posts as and when I can. With no rhyme or reason, I do hope you'll all still check in with me from time to time!

Happy New Year, Friends!

 

October Revolution

It would be great to say I was so entirely busy with my life that I just didn’t have time for blogging, but I try to be honest here so I can’t claim busy as an excuse. In all honesty, there really isn’t one single excuse.

I lost interest.

It became a chore.

I had nothing good to say.

I was doing other things (not too busy mind you, just pursuing different creative outlets).

All sound pretty…excusey.

I could throw this one out there: My eldest got obsessed with interneting and because of that my interest diminished.

And that almost comes to the point. In fact, if I’m going with excuses that one is the only one I would lay claim to. As her interest developed, I started paying attention to my internet habits and realized how much time I actually spent online. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, spending time online, but I saw how much time I could reclaim for other activities.

The time spent at work, much of it while the girls were at school, limited our family time and interneting sucked even more time away.

I stopped writing blog posts, I stopped reading blogs, I stopped clicking on links. I checked my email and Facebook a few times a day, the weather and the news, and then I walked away from the computer. I crafted, played, cleaned, worked.

But even that is an excuse.

There were plenty of times that I thought to myself: Ooo! I should blog this! But didn’t. I didn’t feel like sitting down at the computer. So I made notes to myself and moved on with my day.

So yeah, maybe I just needed a break.

Let’s go with that: needing a break. You saw other blogs and that’s okay. We were on a break. But I want back in.

Plight of the Computerless (UPDATED)

Remember that time a few weeks ago when I said I'd keep blogging because I wasn't burnt out or anything like that after the A to Z challenge?

Yeah. I didn't lie, but all of a sudden I became slightly more computerless than I was before. You know back when I had a computer to use and all.

Long story short, I finally got around to installing the new cd/dvd drive my sister got me for Christmas (yes, it took me nearly five months to do it. I'm lazy, remember?) and wouldn't you know it, that even though it only took me about ten minutes to install, I apparently screwed up something somewhere, because the second I turned it on, I got the blue screen of death.

Twice.

So off to the Computer ER I rushed with my ancient tower. And, well...I confiscated my daughter's laptop in the meantime, but I'm taking this time to go a little unplugged. It's nice. And some projects around the house are actually getting done. Amazing what one can accomplish without the Internet to entertain me!

Hopefully, the computer techs will be able to fix whatever I screwed up and I'll be up and running again sometime next week. Until then, My Friends, I'll be putzing around the house and garden - have I mentioned my garden yet? No? Well, just wait!

Cheers!

UPDATE:

Seriously, folks, I got my computer back and they techs were all like..."Um it's $40 bucks and we couldn't find anything wrong anywhere. We had it running all day. No blue screen. No weird noises. Nothing."

Okey Dokey.

So , YAY! Computer! Although they did mention that it was a rather old computer. Old? It's barely five...but I guess in computer years that's about 4,724 years old. Guess that will need to get budgeted in sooner or later.

Updates, News, and Other Info

UPDATES:

Blogging A to Z - Guys! Can you believe that it starts Monday? HA! Me either! Remember back when I said I was going to work at getting everything set and prewritten and...yeah. That didn't work at all. So I had a theme, I dropped a theme, I went back to my original idea, struggled to plan it, got a job, and almost decided to forgo the challenge. Then I read a news story in my local paper the other day that made me go, "hmm."

And with that, I present my new and improvised theme:

Archaic Slang Of America's Yester Years Through The Ages And Across The States

I'll admit, the title might need some work - it is a bit wordy, but I like words. I especially like words and sayings that not many people use. So there you go. 

NEWS:

Did you catch up there how I mentioned getting a job? Skimmed right over that part, didn't you? Well! I never...okay, I have but that's not the point. The point, Friends, is that I am once again  gainfully employed. Scott and I had a super long talk (seriously, it's been going on for about a year or so) and after nearly two years of playing the application game with the local school district we came to the decision that I needed to look at other options (really, it is wicked hard to get a position in this district. I'm pretty sure that unless you know someone, it just isn't going to happen). 

Interestingly enough, just like we found our current home on craigslist*, I found my job there too. I am back in the hospitality industry as a front desk clerk at a local hotel. I had my start in hospitality/service way back after I graduated high school and then all through college so I am familiar with it and honestly, I'm good at it. As much as I like to try to deny it, I am a people person and I like interacting with...you know...people. 

That being said, I'll be working a couple of wonky shifts and until I adjust completely, interneting and blogging will be taking a backseat. I'm going to do my best with the A to Z but I honestly don't expect my posts to be very long or story-like as they were last year. FYI - if you are recently joining me, you should check out last year's A to Z when you have a chance.

*remind me to share a really funny-creepy story about looking for jobs on craigslist! Honestly we should do a craigslist bloghop with funny-creepy stories because oh man! do I imagine that you guys have a bunch!

OTHER INFO:

Umm...Okay, yeah, you got me. I don't have anything else to add right now. How's about I leave you with a photo?

Mysterious Cinder Block Circle found just off a trail at Girl Scout Camp.

This isn't a "Real Post." Seriously.

In my mind, I've been off fighting pirates in the Caribbean, making life-altering crafts out of pine cones and duct tape, saving the world from alien Bigfoot invaders (again) and baking the heck out of some nice crusty bread.

In my mind, that is. The truth and reality is never that exciting and excuses are so 2012. So I'd like to just jump right into things, pretending that I've not been ignoring my blog so much as...

Heck. I can't even come up with a good "so much as."

Forget it. I said this isn't a real post and it's not. I just wanted to take a minute from my excruciatingly normal and slightly boring day to give a couple of shout outs. It seems in my absence I've gotten some Bloggy Love (that doesn't sound...dirty...does it?) and despite my utter apathy for the Internet and blogging and socialization right now, I really appreciate the recognition.

I have received no less than three Liebsters! Serious blogging love going on there and while I am in no way capable of answering all those questions or actually, really passing on the award right now, I wanted to make sure that recognitions was recognized.

So, first a big thank you to Ruby at Whispering Thoughts. She is one of my earliest followers and always has a kind word for me! She also writes some very thought provoking poetry and short stories on her blog. And she has a photo blog too!

Next a couple of bloggers at Moonkissed. New followers Hannah and Holly host a fashion, artsy blog that is cute and informative - especially to someone like me who pretty much owns nothing but jeans, tee-shirts and polos (man I love polos!).

Finally, my BFF Sara at A Bend in the Road. She is the reason I started blogging in the first place and one of my biggest fans (if I do say so myself). Sara blogs about her grief of losing her daughter Lauren, everyday life and food.  

Problems?

So I've figured out the issue.

Fine print. It all comes down to the fine print that we always say we've read, but do we ever really read it? Nope.

Apparently, to make the most of my blogger, I needed to resize my photos. Guess who has never resized a photo ever. Blogger is all: "post all the photos you want forever! As long as they are smaller than 3 microns. But Hey! Post all of them you want!! Yay, Photos!" And I was all like, "Yay! Photos! I love taking pictures and I will post all the pictures and the internets will be complete! Me and Blogger are BFFs!"

Maybe I took Blogger for granted. But maybe Blogger took advantage of my internet innocence. For all computer abilities, I am really not a tech person. Hell! I don't even use shortcuts in Word!

So, it's a fixable issue, but then I wonder if I need to go and resize all the photos I've already posted and that is a daunting thought so I walk away from the computer in frustration and bearing the slightest grudge against blogger even though technically it is my own fault since I didn't read the fine print.

Crap! I can't even really hold a good grudge.

Beside with all the craziness of Christmas preparation, I really haven't spent too much time online anyway. That's how it goes in December. I craft until my fingers are caked in paint, glue and glitter. I wrap until I have scraps of ribbon and pieces of tape in my hair. I blast my Christmas playlist until an intervention is called. I menu plan and bake until there is a haze of deliciousness floating over my house.

So words will be it for the time being. Which stinks because boy have I got some crazy, awesome photos to share! Like the one where I'm surfing and there's a school of sharks right underneath my longboard. And the one where I reached the summit of K2 - I don't want to brag, but the view was pretty amazing. And the one where I had to use the emergency eject chair because my experimental FJ-X465 was crashing into the Mojave desert. Oh and the one with Ashleigh cloning dinosaurs in her bedroom and Cyra photo-bombing her!

Good times!

Tis the Season

November is pressing down upon me and as my busiest month of the year I am not exactly looking forward to it in the traditional sense. Actually, I’m kinda freaked out about the whole thing.

November brings NaNoWriMo, a writing challenge that I have participated in since 2004. In past years I’ve run the gamut of writing: planning, note cards, winging it, basic ideas, just a character. I’ve done it all. This year is the first year I haven’t had a direction before October hit. In fact, I just got my ideas together and drafted a nearly naked plot with a few hazy characters. The years I’ve planned I’ve done better but I’m hopeful that I’ll continue my winning streak.

November also brings a last ditch frenzied approach to finishing craft projects for Christmas. As usual I have set myself very high craft goals and then there was the incident earlier this month that accidentally ruined three projects that were near completion. So I’m restarting three projects, continuing two more and trying to find the time for a good half dozen not even started yet.

November is also Cyra’s birthday month. In previous years we've gone camping, thrown small parties, had a simple dinner. This year? It’s bowling. We haven’t established if it will be a bowling party or just us bowling for fun. Either way it will be fun. She’s a whole decade old this year. It seems hard to believe. I cleaned out my closet last week and pulled out the girls’ baby boxes. I love how amazing they are, what wonderful people they are turning out to be but, still, I miss them as babies.

If I have a second favorite holiday, it is the completely made-up Thanksgiving feast. I love to cook and bake and it's like Thanksgiving was created just to enable my cooking obsession. Thanksgiving is often treated as a week long event in my house. I bake far too many desserts, way too many side dishes and a turkey three times larger than we actually have need for. I think the largest group of people I’ve fed in recent years was maybe ten. Typically there are six or seven.  But that doesn’t stop me from cooking as though I was feeding twenty-seven! This year might be slightly different as we certainly don’t have the budget for a proper feast.

Knowing myself as I do, I doubt that I will be writing much for the blog and that distresses me. I have let myself get out of the good habits of regular blogging and commenting and so of course I want to rededicate myself to daily postings. With all my focus on NaNo and crafting, I think I will once again participate in fatmumslim’s Photo-A-Day for November.

Tis the season alright! Season of crazy. Season of fun. Season of self-induced stress. I work best under pressure and deadlines. If I don’t have one or the other I tend to be lazy and self-indulgent.

Still.

I am alive and well.

Still.

I haven't gone anywhere...except in my mind. There has been a lot on my mind, none of which can safely be posted here. So while I am still checked in, I am holding my tongue. For the time being, assume my posts here will be sporadic.

Some updates:

I won NaNoWriMo again this year, and again my story by the end sucked. It started off well, but I did not put as much planning into it as I have in the past and as a result, the ending (if one can call it an ending) fizzled.

I am up to my eyeballs in Christmas cheer! I am crafty, decorating and baking. Essentially doing all the things I totally love to do.

I am overwhelmed with work (not much of an update as I am always overwhelmed with work) and I feel like I am being drawn and quartered...except with less limbs ripping off.

I am working on a story. And that alone makes me beyond happy.

In essence, my very dear friends and family, I am plucking along and I am okay with that.

In Good Cheer,

~Heather~