There’s a two-part episode of Star Trek Voyager titled “Year of Hell” in which Captain Janeway and her crew suffer a series of calamities over the course of a year. Eventually, through the magic of temporal phenomenon, everything ends up honky-dory, and the Year of Hell never happens. Voyager’s crew continues on their journey unaware of the disasters that befell them or they avoided...I’ve never understood temporal mechanics.
There have been more times than I can count that I’ve wished for a temporal phenomenon to undo this year or fast forward it. My very own, very real, very intense Year of Hell. As science fiction isn’t all science fact yet, that leaves me just waiting for the end of 2014.
Many times, almost daily, I ask myself what right have I to complain. I know people who’ve been through far too much for me to ever complain about anything. How dare I mope when people are starving, when wars rampage across the world, when cities burn, and mothers lose their children! Who am I to lie in bed at night crying? My husband holds me but is helpless to comfort me because I am inconsolable. In those moments, I allow myself to fall because I tell myself that grief is not a contest and there is no measurable way to compare pain, that even though others have suffered far more than I could ever imagine, my anger, sadness, and hurt are just as real.
I count, I breathe, I pull myself together because I have no other choice.
Am I depressed? Yeah. Clearly. There’s no denying that. My one and only solace? I know that my depression is situational. That things are generally shit right now, but it won’t be like this forever. I know that as long as I keep putting my feet on the ground every morning, that someday it won’t feel like such a chore. There are days when my smile is genuine and my laughter is not forced. And those days are slowly starting to outnumber the others.
I’ve said it before that I should have done an anonymous blog, then maybe, I’d post more about my life. Maybe if I had a top secret super blog I’d vent, I’d rant, I’d utilize an outlet that I honestly should have been using: my words. My chaos has been my own this year. I’ve not wanted to share it or talk about it here or anywhere, so even an anonymous blog would have sat unattended this year. I’ve got 31 more days to go in what I expected to be a great year. I have used this year as an excuse for not writing, not crafting, not doing and that’s got to change. Whether I post to a public blog or just jot notes in a journal, writing has always helped me work through my issues and I need to get back to that.
In 31 more days I’ll have survived 2014.
In 31 more days I’ll file 2014 away as a lesson learned.
In 31 more days I’ll jump into 2015 looking to exceed rather than endure.
Scott asked me the other day if I expected 2015 to magically be better. Of course not, I said. But it’s like a clean slate. New Years is a tangible mark, a concrete, albeit human, passage of time. Time allows distance and clarity, healing and hope. Time, right now, is the best friend I’ve got.
This year I fell. Come January 1st, I will start standing again.
You can start a clean slate any moment you want to. The clock changing to January first doesn't decide that matter for you. It's all in your power, your control. You decide where you go from here and I believe you'll only go into great things and one day soon, all of your days will be happy and full of laughter. You just have to hang on long enough for that to happen. I know you can do it.
ReplyDeleteWhile a clean slate can be had at any moment, for me having that tangible deadline helps. It puts things into perspective and allows me to set a goal that I think I can manage.
DeleteMy heart goes out to you. I hope that this cloud passes sooner than January 1st, that you get back to a place of contentment and past the darkness. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteThe storm is over for the most part, now we are in FEMA mode and picking up the debris. But the process has been a slow one. You know how much red tape there can be with FEMA!
DeleteI need to set target dates for myself too, so I can mentally cross some imaginary line and preceed onto my next step. I'm confident that 2015 will bring about a brand new outlook on things for you! Keep well!
ReplyDeleteExactly. I need that deadline. I can feel crummy up to this point, but then I need to move on. New Years seemed the logical place to draw that line.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear 2014 has been the equivalent of hell on earth. Grief sure isn't a contest and the fact that your personal pain may to some seem insignificant compared with someone who's about to die a horrible death doesn't mean your pain is less real. I would say the opposite is true: it's the only real pain you'll ever feel. So don't be harsh on yourself. You deserve that clean slate.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that you too should mention the topic of The Right To Complain.
Your post hit right on the bull's eye. I can guarantee that if I was in the car by myself, there were songs and tears and tons of "what the check is wrong with me? Snap out of it already."
DeleteA few more days and I will kick this in the tush!
Kick it real hard, too!
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