Dejunking: My Life and Home, 2015

One of the most frustrating things I’ve encountered recently is my growing desire for a Big Change.

I’ve mentioned it before here, here, and here, my itchy feet syndrome. My inability to be content with the same place for more than a few years. It has hit again. Hard. Especially towards the end of 2014 when I kept looking at 2015 with hope and excitement. 2015 represents a clean slate, a new start, a tangible end to a crappy year and the beginning of a year that isn’t crappy - in fact, 2015 has the potential to be awesome. It is, of course, what we make it, and I am determined! Determined to make 2015 a Great Year!

Back to my itchy feet. About every three years or so, I get the urge for change. Change of jobs, change of location, change of something. Unfortunately, Scott and I have already made the executive decision that a relocation right now is not feasible. We want to get Cyra through middle and high school without another move. We want to save up money so that in a few years Scott can start his plan to go to brew school. To do that we need to do a few things:

1. Stay on target - with our budget and our long term plans.

2. Keep put - no moving or major life changes.

3. Live modestly - we are planning on living on his salary while socking mine away into savings.

These three things…well, actually, just the second item on the list, put a real kink into my BIG CHANGE and ITCHY FEET plans.

What’s a girl to do?

Well, it all goes back to one of the things I’ve been obsessively googling lately: the Small House Movement. Tiny little portable homes, with tiny little footprints, being all handmade, cute, and minimalist.

I. Love. It.

Scott and I talk all the time about buying land in the middle of nowhere and building a tiny little house, a chicken coop, and a garden. Maybe even a couple of tiny little houses, one for us and then an extra one or two for guests. Ah, the dream of living off the grid and off the land.

But, in all reality, I probably couldn’t go that way, at least with the house size. I like my dvds, crafts, and games way too much. Those three things alone could take up an entire 150 square foot room!! But, I find more and more, as I look around my cluttered home, there is a lot of stuff that I really could do without. I might not be able to reduce enough to live in 150 square feet but I can certainly pare down what I have to live in my 1300 square foot home without feeling claustrophobic.

Now, by no means am I a hoarder. I’ve seen that. I’ve got a family member who is one. But I do have a tendency to collect a lot of crafting supplies. You can see my craftway here. It takes up my entire entry hall (that we don’t use anyway). But with so many crafts (I really do know how to do pretty much every. Single. Craft.) I get overwhelmed with all the supplies. It is time to pare down. I have roughly 60 pounds of scrapbook paper. Who needs 60 pounds of paper? Not this girl!! Not anymore!

So, to alleviate my itchy feet and appease my need for Big Change, I’m down sizing my life. I’ve made a list of rooms, closets, and cabinets I want to tackle and each week I’ll put a dent into my life. That being said, I’m not touching the girls or Scott’s stuff. For one, Scott doesn’t actually have that much stuff and what he does have: books and clothes, are already at a minimum. As a child of military parents, he already has a minimalist mind set. As for the girls, I’m hoping that as they see me donate, toss, and yard sale stuff, they’ll get into the dejunking.

I’ve actually already started. Remember I mentioned my recent weight loss? Well, I’ve donated roughly a third of my clothes and thrown away another quarter. My closet is much more accessible now. And I felt great about getting rid of stuff I never wear!

I think I’ve found the cure for my itchy feet and restless urge for change. Next up: The Kitchen!

Things I Didn't Do In 2014, But Will Damn Well Do In 2015

2014 sucked. A lot. And it became a convenient excuse to not do anything. My one resolution this year? 

Do Stuff.

Do the stuff that I love to do. Do the stuff that I ignored.

Here is an incomplete list of things I did not do in 2014 but will do the hell out of in 2015:

1. Write. Okay. That one was obvious. Seriously, three posts in 2014? Cut the crap, Heather, and start writing!

2. Read. Weird, right? I think I might have read three books this year. A long way off from my normal gazillion. I’m not counting, of course, favorite books that I always reread like World War Z and Jurassic Park. Like old friends I find great comfort in picking up a familiar book and I did that, but new books? Even with the ease with which I can now acquire new books on my Kindle, I haven’t read all much.

3. Craft. My only crafty accomplishment for 2014? The Christmas decorations on the tree.

4. Bake. Didn’t even so much as bake cakes for birthdays this year.

5. Cook. Along with baking, cooking in general became a chore. Normal menu planning and prepping for dinners became stressful and making lunches? We went from bento boxes to here’s a sandwich to make your own lunch. I had plans last year to prepare one meal a week that we’d never had before. With all the crap, easy recipes that I knew by heart became the norm. 2015 shall bring a return to new dishes. I also plan to do at least one meatless meal a week.

6. Travel. No. I take that back, I did travel, but it wasn’t for pleasure. Scott’s father passed and we went to be with him. I’d like to plan a trip back home and to Maine this year. It’s been six years since my last trip home.

7. Camp. Different than “travel.” It is. Honest. We actually haven’t camped since 2011. First it was budget constraints, then it was work constraints. This year though I plan on taking a few 3-4 day weekends now that I have vacation time built up.

8. Celebrate the Birthday Fiesta O’Fun. Although, to be fair, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I was desperate to get together with Sara for that. Unfortunately, both the girls and I were miserably sick the one stinking week that Sara came back to Florida.

9. Document. I took very minimal photographs this year and most were on my phone for work. Birthdays, holidays, candids, nothing. 2014 will be a non-scrapable year.

10. Budget. Scott and I were getting really good about budgets in 2013. 2014 destroyed that. We didn’t go crazy with spending, but we certainly didn’t pay attention to our finances either. 2015 will be a year of back to basics budgeting.

11. Socialize. I didn’t Facebook, blog, call, write, or visit much in 2014. I wrapped myself in isolation because it was what I needed.

12. Exercise. I’m not a big fan, but a walk around the neighborhood a few times a week isn’t out of the realm of impossible for me. I enjoy it even. I didn’t do anything in 2014. That being said, I still managed to drop (in a majorly unhealthy manner) 30 pounds. I got a new bike for Christmas, though, so exercise is in my future. Though I do need to lose more weight, ultimately, my overall goal is to get back into healthy habits - daily exercise and healthy eating.

13. Family Game Night. 2014 ended family game night. 2015 will bring it back. Scott and I both agree that family game night was and is something that we need. We don’t often eat together - our work schedules often run past dinner time so family game night was a way for us to all sit down together. Christmas helped with that as many of the gifts under the tree were table top games.

Line in the Sand

I’ve never been much for celebrating the New Year. I’ve been to exactly one New Year’s Eve party way back in the early 90s. Staying up and watching the ball drop in New York City is about all the enthusiasm I can muster for what is an arbitrary human line in the sand. Depending on which ancient civilization you favor, the new year fell on the winter solstice, the vernal equinox or some other logical celestial event. The winter solstice makes the most sense to me, but who am I to argue with history winners?

In recent years, staying up to watch the ball drop has become a chore. The older I get the less interested in I am in staying up late and if my neighbors would stop with the fireworks every year, I’d blissfully sleep through the whole thing.

This year though? This year that arbitrary line in the sand is vitally important to me. It’s a tangible moment that will allow me to put 2014 into the “history” category. And Friends, I really, really need to do that. 2014 was a challenge. 2014 sucked spiky, radioactive, guano balls. 2014 just needs to end already.

While I won’t be staying up this year to tell 2014 to “suck it” I’m certainly looking forward to waking up on January 1st with a metaphorically clean slate. I don’t expect things to be magically better though. They won’t be. The same issues that we have been dealing with all year will still be lurking. We’ll still be fighting to reduce some of the shit that has been dumped on us this year, but thankfully, the pile is definitely getting smaller.

2015 isn’t going to be be about new beginnings and changes so much as it will be a return to things I stopped doing in 2014 because it was too much, too overwhelming, too hard to juggle. I’m not one for sticking with resolutions, but I’ve got them this year and I am determined to keep them. Nothing in the realm of impossibility, nothing far-fetched. I’m not planning to take up mountain climbing, become fluent in Latin, and certainly not overcome my fear of sharks by swimming with them. 

Goodbye 2014. Make sure you leave your keys and close the door on the way out.

Hello 2015! Come on in, sit and stay awhile! I've been looking forward to your visit!

October Revolution

It would be great to say I was so entirely busy with my life that I just didn’t have time for blogging, but I try to be honest here so I can’t claim busy as an excuse. In all honesty, there really isn’t one single excuse.

I lost interest.

It became a chore.

I had nothing good to say.

I was doing other things (not too busy mind you, just pursuing different creative outlets).

All sound pretty…excusey.

I could throw this one out there: My eldest got obsessed with interneting and because of that my interest diminished.

And that almost comes to the point. In fact, if I’m going with excuses that one is the only one I would lay claim to. As her interest developed, I started paying attention to my internet habits and realized how much time I actually spent online. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, spending time online, but I saw how much time I could reclaim for other activities.

The time spent at work, much of it while the girls were at school, limited our family time and interneting sucked even more time away.

I stopped writing blog posts, I stopped reading blogs, I stopped clicking on links. I checked my email and Facebook a few times a day, the weather and the news, and then I walked away from the computer. I crafted, played, cleaned, worked.

But even that is an excuse.

There were plenty of times that I thought to myself: Ooo! I should blog this! But didn’t. I didn’t feel like sitting down at the computer. So I made notes to myself and moved on with my day.

So yeah, maybe I just needed a break.

Let’s go with that: needing a break. You saw other blogs and that’s okay. We were on a break. But I want back in.

Twelve For Twelve - Check In 2

1. Write every day.

- I am slowly getting back into the groove. I have been writing everyday, just not fiction writing. I’ve been blogging and doing some creative non-fiction pieces. I would love to blame something for this seemingly lackadaisical mentality, but in all honesty it boils down to I just haven’t been putting the effort into it. I’ve been focused more on the blogging and the crafting. And while writing is very important to me, I’ve allowed myself to push it aside and focus on other projects. A bit back I made a declaration to focus and produce, to hold myself accountable for my word counts. And it turns out I have real problems with time management. I get lost in a craft and before I know it half the day is over and I still have chores to do and errands to run.

2. Post to my blog at least once per week.

- Totally on top of this one. I have posted virtually every day in February! Yay! It got a bit chore-like by the end of the month, but I am doing a March Photo a Day Challenge and then in April I am taking on Blogging A to Z. I am currently trying to decide on whether I am going to do a theme for April or just write as I get to it. The first week of April is spring break for us, so I will probably have those posts scheduled ahead of time.

3. Resume my daily exercise routine.

- I wouldn’t count this as a “fail” this month but I certainly wouldn’t declare myself the winner, either. I started walking in the afternoons with Cyra and I am saving up my moneys to hopefully buy myself a bike soon! I miss bike riding and with my perfect mile loop, I can get in some good riding.

4. Better eating habits.

- We’ll call this one a draw. Yes, I’ve been eating better foods…but…I’ve been snacking a lot instead of eating actual meals which defeats the purpose of calorie counting and keeping track. And even though I am snacking on what would be considered healthy snacks (fruits and low-fat yogurt) every calorie counts. I did so much better with this when I was working. I was busy all day and even if I was hungry, tough, because I didn’t have time to have a snack. Now, I get hungry and I can immediately satisfy myself. 

5. Lose at least 50 pounds.

- Five pounds down…I should be doing better, but I’ll celebrate a five pound loss nonetheless.

6. Organize my photographs chronologically.

- I still haven’t started this one yet, and I think that I probably won’t until later this year. As a goal it is one of the lowest priorities right now.

7. Scrapbook more.

- I have been working on my 2012 Waiting For The Apocalypse scrap book a few pages at a time. I’m stuck on my Christmas layout, but while I’m mulling that over, I’ve moved into January photos and pages. So work progress. I’d like to try to get into the habit of printing pictures more often. Maybe that would encourage me to sit down with it more. Other than that, I need to get to work on the Birthday Fiesta O’ Fun: Minty Fresh Edition. Sara and I promised that before we had another BFOF, we’d finish the previous BFOF Scrapbook. August will be here in like five minutes so I need to get moving!

8. Write actual letters to friends and family.

- This one I am pleased to say, yes! I’ve been doing this. I made cards and I’ve been sending them out – about one a week or so.

9. Reinstitute Family Game Night.

- We’ve been doing this too except that we haven’t actually set a night in stone. Cyra has recently taken up a sport and Ashleigh has recently been involved in a drama production so it is hard to lock down a night for just family fun. Mostly it is all about the homework, the dinner and the rushing around. Recently, however, I was soundly whupped in a vicious game of Monopoly, where within just a few rounds, I had to bargain away my railroad to pay for rent! Yikes!

10. Backyard homestead.

- It’s all about the money. You know? The money we don’t have. But, hopefully, this week, after rent is paid we will have about a hundred dollars to devote to getting my raised beds built. I already have the seeds (got those on sale at the end of the season last year) so I need to get a couple of seed starter thingies and the beds built and we’ll be good to go. We’ve also been talking about putting the chickens on hold for right now.

11. Get my favorite recipes organized.

- I haven’t worked on this at all this month. Although I have tried a few new recipes out: White chocolate coconut scones = YUM!

12. Travel.

The girls and I did a couple of (thankfully) short Girl Scout campouts and that was about it. We are planning a trip over spring break and then the one this summer. Those will be our big ones, but I’ve got a few ideas for some weekend day trips in March and April. Springtime really shines in Florida. Everything is blooming, it isn’t too hot yet and there aren’t many tourists!

Inspired.

I’m more of an ideas person. Ask anyone* and they’ll tell you. I have Ideas! I think it comes from my deep seated idealism that I can’t seem to shake (but that’s another story). So having Ideas to write about has never been a problem. I can come up will all manner of plots, characters, settings, worlds! It’s all there in my brain just waiting to escape out onto paper.

Which as it turns out is actually a problem because when it comes to writing down my ideas, putting the thoughts into actually words, dialogue and description, I fizzle and falter and eventually frustrated, I walk away.

Above my computer desk I have the following quote by William Faulkner:

I only write when I am inspired. Fortunately, I am inspired at 9 o’clock every morning.

It is there to remind me that waiting for inspiration to strike will not get a story written. Only actually writing can accomplish that. I look at it every morning when I sit down at the computer to write. An hour later, I look at it again and shake my head at the screen in front of me.

Waiting for ideas isn’t a problem. I’ve got those. Waiting for inspiration isn’t an issue. Why is it then I have nothing to show? Words and words that don’t connect or worse blank screen, blank paper, unloved and unused pens. It’s sad really. But then when NaNoWriMo comes around I can blast out 50k without a problem!

Is it the deadline? I’ve always worked best with one. Is it the self-inflicted pressure? Who knows best but me? So I am hereby giving myself a deadline. I will write, edit and be ready to send out a manuscript by June 1^st.

This year.

End of story.

*By “anyone” I really mean Sara as she bears the brunt of my “ideas.”

Twelve for Twelve - Check In 1

In an effort to keep myself honest and up to date with my goals for 2012, I am going to do a monthly check in for each goal.

1. Write every day.

– Fail. Utter and complete fail on this one. I am only writing for the blog right now. I need to up my word count for an actual story. Once again, my problem here is being in the house with distractions: chores, internet, crafts! I write better when I am in a public arena like Barnes and Nobles or Panara’s. On the bright side, I have a number of ideas that I am developing and researching as well as some characters that I don’t know what to do with.

2. Post to my blog at least once per week.

– Okay. So far I’ve been posting at least once a week. I’ve also started a Friday Photo. One thing that is helping me is the scheduled posts. I’ve been able to write two or three posts on one day (when my fingers fly over the keyboard) and schedule them to be posted later in the week.

3. Resume my daily exercise routine.

– EPIC FAIL!! I have not resumed daily walks AT ALL!! I feel miserable and every day as I rush around to get the girls off to school I push aside any thought of walking the dog around the neighborhood. My goal for February to walk the loop twice every day: once in the morning and once in the afternoon or early evening.

4. Better eating habits.

– I’m doing okay with this. My problem right now is snacking during the day. I eat when I get bored. While I was working, this was not a problem. When the girls or Scott are home, I don’t do it. But when I am by myself…I snack. The sad thing is since I don’t buy junk food or sweets very often, I snack on healthy things: fruits, cheese, and yogurt. The problem is every single calorie counts. Especially when I am not doing anything to get rid of them!

5. Lose at least 50 pounds.

– Amazingly, I am back to pre-Christmas weight but that isn’t saying a lot.

6. Organize my photographs chronologically.

– I haven’t even touched this one yet and I’m okay with that. Remember, I wasn’t planning on doing everything in a single month!

7. Scrapbook more.

– I have started a new scrapbook but I am using current photos for it. I really want to start assembling scrapbooks of the girls from when they were younger. This of course will wait until the photos are organized. I did get my Craftway organized so that allows better access and quick clean up! I am happy working on my “Waiting for the Apocalypse” scrapbook right now! Best of all, I got the chance to scrapbook with Sara!

8. Write actual letters to friends and family.

– Working on. I hand stamped some blank greeting cards I got from Micheal’s so now it is just a matter of sitting down and writing!

9. Reinstitute Family Game Night.

– Not yet reestablished.

10. Backyard homestead.

– Garden plans have been made. I am currently saving my pennies so that I can buy the supplies I need to build two 6x3 raised beds for vegetables and one 4x4 bed for herbs. The Florida planting season starts early and most plants that I am planning on need to get sown by the end of February. So I am under a few time constraints here. Recently I read The Backyard Homestead and the best piece of advice it gives regarding gardens is: plant what you will eat! It goes without saying that this makes a world of sense. Even though greens grow really well in the area, we wouldn’t eat them, so why bother planting them. I’m looking to plant at least 3 types of tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, and an assortment of summer squashes to name a few. I’d like to try my hand at potatoes and melons as well. Eventually, I’d like to plant corn and some type of grain…but that is in the future when I am a bit more comfortable with gardening. Scott wants me to plant barley and hops so he can always be with beer! The girls want a citrus orchard: oranges, lemons, limes. The chickens, as much I want them this year, will probably be put on hold until we are more settled.

11. Get my favorite recipes organized.

– I feel really good about my recipe organization. I am using the heck out of my Moleskin. I spent about a week going through my collection of recipes ripped out of magazines or printed from Allrecipes.com as well as my favorite recipes and added some to the journal. I am pleased at how nicely it is turning out. A cute thing with the Recipe Journal is that it has a spot to rate the recipe: 1 to 5 stars. If I am taking the time to include a recipe in this journal with its limited pages, you can bet that a requirement for each recipe is a 5 star rating! As far as the new recipe or food once per week…well I haven’t done as well with that one. I’m still “recovering” from the influx of family that came down for the holidays and the past two weeks, I’ve been very lazy with grocery shopping and dinners.

12. Travel.

– For Christmas Scott and I gave Ashleigh a bunch of road trip books to encourage her love of travel. We are currently in the planning stages for a short Spring Break road trip either around Florida or Georgia. If we stick with Florida, we are going to a few places that are listed in the book Weird Florida. If we decide on Georgia, we think we’ll go to Savannah and then swing through Atlanta to check out the aquarium. This summer we’ve already decided that A Great Lobster Tour of New England is in order!

Twelve for Twenty-Twelve

I’ve said it before but it bears some repeating: I suck at blogging. I’m not disciplined enough. Not dedicated enough. Too easily distracted by shiny objects. Or dull objects. Or things that make noise. Or smell nice. Or…well, I’m sure you get the picture.

I’m not good at it, but I’d like to get better. I’d like to blog more without feeling obligated to do so and without feeling guilty when I don’t. Hmmm… That sounds an awful lot like a resolution. Of course, it’s that time of year again, when people under the glamour of one too many champagne shots holler out a New Year’s Resolution when the clock strikes midnight. Statistically most resolutions are thrown on the backburner after the haze of alcohol dissipates or by the end of the month. Me? I think about my resolutions well in advance. There’s certainly no alcohol influencing these much needed improvements.

Right before Christmas I read an article in Parents Magazine that gave suggestions on making and sticking to New Year’s Resolutions. Instead of making large lofty goals, setting smaller monthly goals makes it easier to accomplish each goal. So while I have listed twelve (dare I say lofty?) goals, aside from the first one, they are listed in no particular order nor am I planning on cramming every single one of them into January. I can spread them out and take my time with them. I have, after all a whole year to fill!

1. Write every day. No excuses. With me out of a job right now, there isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t be writing daily, but I always seem to put other activities ahead of writing, especially chores. That needs to stop. I have always wanted to be a writer and it is time for me to start acting like one!

2. Post to my blog at least once per week. And as much as I lurk on other people’s blogs, I am going to start commenting too. I don’t expect to gather a following, but it would be nice and maybe, if more people came to my blog, the more I might blog.

3. Resume my daily exercise routine. Once upon a time, I walked four to five miles a day. It was the justification for getting a dog! I also did free weights. Once upon a time I lost a good bit of weight and then gained it all back because I fell out of my good habits. I started daily walking again this past August when the girls went back to school, but then holidays and company put me into a lazy frame of mind and I put off what I should have stuck to.

4. Get back to better eating habits. It don’t have bad eating habits per se. I eat lots of fruits and veggies (especially oranges as I have no desire to get scurvy). BUT, I could do a lot better with portion control. Maybe cut back on cooking and baking with so much butter. And maybe…just maybe take a step back from my love of dairy – do I really need four pounds of cheese in the house at all times?? Now as far as sweets go? I’ll eat them if they are in the house, but I don’t often have them because I know I’ll eat them. Same thing with soda. I don’t have it in the house, because if it is here, I’ll drink it. I maybe should cut back on my caffeine intake as well…but that’s debatable.

5. If I stick with Numbers 3 and 4, then number 5 should happen as a by-product: lose at least 50 pounds. I should lose much more than that, but 50 seems like a reasonable goal that I can meet without getting discourage. At just a little more than 4 pounds a month 50 pounds is reasonable and attainable. Along with that, I will go back to weighing myself daily. Now, I know that all the weight-loss gurus say you shouldn’t do a daily weigh in, but I find that I am more honest with my eating habits if I know that every morning I step on the scale. It makes me rethink that second cup of coffee or an extra helping.

6. Organize my photographs chronologically. I have a giant plastic tub of pictures, plus a number of smaller photo boxes AND a gazillion empty photo albums. This is the year that I get them organized. And if I enlist the girls (which I plan on doing) then hopefully the task won’t seem so daunting.

7. Along with Number 6, I want to scrapbook more. It’s a hobby I really enjoy and have tons of supplies for. While I organize the photos, I will also plan different scrapbooks. I got interested in scrapbooking with my best friend and one thing I’ve discovered is that it is more fun to scrapbook with someone. Both the girls are interested in scrapbooking as well and it is time for them to create their own books too!

8. Write actual letters to friends and family. I keep meaning to and then never follow through with it. Getting mail is so…nice. It makes you feel loved and remembered. In this age of instant messaging and Facebook and Google+ we think we are so connected, but really…I don’t think we are. I don’t post anything important to my Facebook, not really. A little blurb of information on a social network is not sharing your life with someone. It’s not making a connection. Letters and cards are a lost art that need to be revitalized! With that in mind I am also going to make a concentrated effort on sending birthday cards to family and friends.

9. Reinstitute Family Game Night. For awhile we had a game night every Tuesday. I’m not sure when or why we fell out of doing this, but I miss it. We are a family of gamers: RPG, board games, Wii, and cards… we love games! And conveniently we have a virtual treasure trove of available games to play.

10. Living in a house with a big yard, I would like to commit to getting a backyard homestead going. A nice big vegetable garden, a smaller but equally important herb garden. I have a garden layout in mind based on the French intensive method and I’ve already started a compost pile. Add to that a small flock of chickens, and I think I’ll be well set. We have the space, I think, to add some other small farm animals, maybe a goat or a sheep…or better yet a llama!! But that will need to wait until I am comfortable with raising chickens and veggies.

11. Another thing I’d like to accomplish this year is getting my favorite recipes organized. For Christmas I received a Moleskin Recipe Journal from the girls. Not only is it a perfect way to organize the multitude of recipes that I have printed or ripped out of magazines over the years, but it will be something for the girls to have as well. A collection of all our family favorites in one place. Maybe (and this is ambitious) I’ll pick up two more and make on for each of the girls! With me not working, I have more time to think about, plan and execute nice dinners. Often while I was working I resorted to box dinners: Mac and Cheese, chicken nuggets, easy and quick fixes that would only take a few minutes to prepare. We got stuck in a routine of old standbys and never strayed too far from the familiar. As I am organizing my recipes, I will try to add one brand new recipe or food once per week.

12. Finally, I want to get back to traveling. The last part of 2011 was financially tight and the few trips I had planned I had to cancel. I imagine that 2012, unless I find a job, will be equally tight. However, I want to get back out there in the world and show the girls how amazing our country is. Camping trips will be the least expensive way to go again, but I want to go other places too. North Dakota, Arizona, DC. I know I can’t afford oversea travel in 2012, but someday, I’d also like to go back to England, explore Germany and Sweden, and visit Egypt.

Seven Hours and Four Days Later

Seven years ago, I was diagnosed with Pulmonary Embolisms (PE). Turned out that what I thought was a back ache was my lung slowly dying. Turned out that the excruciating pain I was having when breathing was my body screaming for oxygen, not walking pneumonia.

I spent a lovely week in ICU. I survived and went on a regiment of blood thinners and a diet sans most green things (although occasionally, I just cannot resist a good Caesar salad or tender asparagus). In the back of my mind, I am constantly scanning my body for any odd quirks or twinges that might signal something serious.

On Monday, after a weekend of intense deep cleaning of the house (we had a buggy issue) I woke up with a slight twinge in my back. While annoying, I attributed it to the weekend work and a possible muscle strain. I went on with my day. I brought the girls to zoo camp. I spent a quiet child-free day puttering around the house.

On Tuesday, I woke up feeling yucky. My back hurt a little more, I was still tired and groggy. And that was after I had actually gone to bed at a decent hour. I brought the girls to zoo camp and spent the day running errands. That night, still feeling gross and now mildly concerned about my back I vowed that I would get back into good habits and back into a healthier lifestyle. That night I blogged about my goals and promised myself to make changes in my life.

On Wednesday morning, around 3:30 am I woke up, still in pain and unable to get comfortable in bed. A warning sign flashed behind my eyes as I lay in the bed trying to go back to sleep. “Danger! Danger!” it flashed. You remember this kind of pain, my brain told me. I wanted to ignore my brain. I really did. But dutifully, I filed a Post-It note right in my cerebral cortex with big bold words in red: IF Deep breath=Pain THEN Go to Doctor ASAP!! Proud of my mental filing system, I got out of bed (there wasn’t anyway I was going back to sleep) and walked the dog.

After that, I felt ok. Not great, but not…panicked. Until…

My friend from work was hosting a Tastefully Simple party and as it sounded fun and as it involved food and being child-free, and as it was good company, I went. About halfway through, my early morning wake-up call caught up with me and I yawned. Big. Deep breathe in = Sharp stabbing pain.

My mind ripped through my mental Post-Its and landed on the one I wrote that morning. Refusing to panic, I acknowledged the symptoms that were so reminiscent of what I went through seven years ago. I went home. Told Scott and made arrangements to go the ER the following day.

On Thursday morning, I brought the girls to zoo camp and made the decision that I would wait until after I picked Cyra up to go to the ER. I was afraid of how long the testing would take and that Cyra and Ashleigh would be stranded. Obviously, I had people I could call, but I did not want anyone to panic. (I’m considerate.)

So Cyra and I headed to the ER. Scott met us there. And after seven hours of testing I left with a clean CT scan, a clean chest x-ray, a bruise from the I.V. line, and a diagnosis of “undetermined back/chest pain.” The doctor felt that it is most likely muscle strain, but that it was good that I came in because my Coumadin levels were too high. And as he said, “Pulmonary Embolisms aren’t something to play around with. And while there isn’t anything wrong with you, it is good to know that you are listening to what your body is telling you.”

Today I woke up after very few hours sleep, comforted in the knowledge that I woke up at all, pleased in my desired lifestyle changes and motivated to get started!

Blogging Without a Doubt

Why I am not blogging right now?

I could blame my lack of blogging on an extreme schedule of international intrigue or volunteering for the Peace Corp, but after a good few seconds of contemplation, I realized that no one would buy those reasons, so it makes sense to stick with the truth. Except for the fact that I’m not really sure what that is.

I have been busy. That’s true enough. The end of the school year is always packed with craziness that makes it hard for me to focus on anything but the end of the year, but honestly, I didn’t really feel that this year. If anything, I moseyed through it, not even worrying about packing my room, or cleaning. I did it methodically, mechanically. It just was.

Girls Scouts has been taking a huge chunk of my time. Yeah, that’s true as well. But that isn’t something I mind carving time for. I might not “love” being so involved with the Scouts all the time, but the girls love it and therefore I love being a part of that. And if that includes worrying over troop finance and why parents aren’t paying their dues, well, it’s part and parcel.

I’ve been crafty. Hoo Boy is that true!! I was determined to finish a scrapbook about last summer and I did. Of course, I sacrificed sleep and time from other things, but it was totally worth it. I finished a HUGE project! And it turned out really nice, if I say so myself. And scrapbooking is something I really enjoy. But I’ve also been crocheting like mad and working on other minor projects. It’s in my blood, I think, the craftiness I mean. I don’t feel right in my “free” time unless I am working on something (free time here is defined by anytime I am not spending with the girls or at work).

I’ve been reading. And honestly, re-reading. As I’ve gotten older and approaching another birthday I’ve been thinking about more philosophical things…living a good life, being just…the nature of zombies…that sort of thing, so I’ve been indulging in my philosophy books. Currently on my bedside table, The Republic, Brave New World, Sophie’s World, and The Undead and Philosophy.

I want to be able to say that I have been writing, but I can’t. I mean really, I haven’t even blogged (obviously). I haven’t looked at a story since god knows when. I’ve had ideas that I’ve jotted down, snippets of a conversation that some of my characters could have, descriptions of locations and people. But I haven’t written. Not like I should. Not like I need to be doing if I am ever, EVER going to get something published. Not a paragraph…a sentence…a word. I think that upsets me the most. I have these words and don’t use them as I should.

So that brings me to why I really haven’t been blogging. While all of the above keeps me pretty busy, not a single reason given is what keeps my fingers from the keys. So what is?

Fear.

Fear that my words won’t be interesting. Fear that what I have to say is stupid. Fear that what I write about will apply only to me and not matter anywhere else. Fear that I won’t be witty enough. Fear that what I do say might offend someone I care about.

Fear. Old-fashioned, predictable fear. It keeps me doing what I’ve always done because I fear what might happen if I do what I really want to do. And now that I’ve owned up and admitted it loud and clear not just to myself, but to the world, I need to do something about it. So, I will remind myself of my senior quote in my yearbook:

“Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.” ~ Shakespeare

Granted, today’s meaning has been perverted from the original utterance proclaimed boldly and with a good deal of menace by Pistol to Falstaff in The Merry Wives of Windsor. Either meaning, I would think, serves me well here.

I will boldly go out and hack my way through the world, taking as needed, with steely eyes and a will forged in the bowels of a volcano OR I’ll wander out into a world that is just waiting to reveal its glorious riches to one who seeks them.

But remember, I’m non-confrontational, so if you see me coming, just step to the side a bit. If you don’t mind.

First of May

May Day Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are so yesterday! Instead, I’m going to try May Day resolutions.

1. I am going to post to my blog everyday in May.
2. I am going to write 1500 words everyday, words, I declare, that are unrelated to my blog.
3. I will truly begin stockpiling supplies for anything that might come up. Zombies, Nibiru, Yellowstone…
4. I am going to reestablish my good habits.
5. I will not let the laundry get that high ever again. It is unreasonable!
6. I will craft more!! I have so many scrapbook supplies it is ridiculous!!
7. I will care more about the house and try to take a more active role in fixing what is broken.
8. I will try a new recipe at least once a week. This one shouldn’t be too hard especially with all the cookbooks I’ve got around here.
9. I will remember that Junie is just a dog and she really does not do things deliberately to piss me off.
10. Everyday I will say something nice to someone I don’t really like.
11. I will try not to hold grudges. I tend not to, but there are a few…
12. I don’t know how I’ll do this, but I will try to not be so idealistic since it leads to disappointment.
13. I will train diligently with my weapon of choice.
14. I will think before I speak, especially when I am mad.
15. I will remember that while the internet is a quick and easy way to keep in touch, nothing beats getting an old fashioned letter in the mail.
16. I will back up my hard drive every week! And while I’m doing that I’ll cheerfully hum, “Never Again!”
17. I will not stress over my job. I know that I do what I can and numbers be damned!
18. I will remember that life is fluid and malleable. I will not be rigid in my expectations nor will I berate myself for trying but not succeeding.
19. I will have more fun!
20. In the words of my favorite D&D character (and Chumbawumba) if I get knocked down, I’ll get up again, you’ll never gonna keep me down!