It's Like Tom Petty Said

This month marks the tenth anniversary of my move to Florida.

When I first moved down here in 2000 with Ashleigh and Amanda, I told my family that it was not a permanent move. I was going to finish college and return. I didn’t want Ashleigh growing up without my family around and I certainly knew that I was not going to like living in Florida long term- I’m a small town, north-eastern girl at heart and besides, Florida is just too damn hot!

But a strange thing happened. My mom and my sister followed me down. And on the one hand it was good. It was nice to have family around when I was in a pitch. They offered a solid rock I could ground myself to in a jam. But on the other hand, I felt almost obligated to stay. They followed me down here, I thought, and that’s not nothing. So I stayed too.

I took a full-time, permanent job teaching 8th grade. I sunk roots into a house that I thought would be a home. I tried to be a member of a community. I became a Girl Scout leader.

But five years later, the job is still just a job. I’m certainly not passionate about it and it is not something that I see myself doing for the rest of my life. I can teach. I’ve no problem with that. But I’m apathetic about it. I’ve never really cared about it. For me, it’s a paycheck. And if it were any other job I don’t think it would matter as much. But as a teacher? I should be passionate and excited about it. That’s the kind of teacher kids need.

The house is still just a house – one that I wish I could get rid of as it is taking everything we have to keep us afloat. Caught in that stupid bubble, I now have a house worth 60K less than what we purchased it for, so there is not hope of selling it right now. Plus, it takes my entire salary to pay for it, so we have no extra money for anything. Honestly, if I hadn’t been raised with the morals I was, I would have already walked away from it.

I’ve learned, not without some help, that a home isn’t a place. You can’t put “home” on a map. The family is what makes wherever you are a home, be that a mansion, an apartment, an RV, or a cardboard box. It’s the “who” that counts, not the where or what.

I think what it comes down to really is this: A decade is a long time to be in one place. I’ve got this itchiness in my feet. This feeling that I have overstayed my welcome in Florida. What was meant to be a three or four year stint tops, has stretched into this, long inescapable road with no exits. Well, I will not be corralled into a future that isn’t where I want to be. And if I can’t find an exit, well, I guess it is time for me to forge one myself.

And so as Tom Petty sang, “Under my feet, baby, the grass is growing, yeah, its time to move on, time to get going.”

Blogging Without a Doubt

Why I am not blogging right now?

I could blame my lack of blogging on an extreme schedule of international intrigue or volunteering for the Peace Corp, but after a good few seconds of contemplation, I realized that no one would buy those reasons, so it makes sense to stick with the truth. Except for the fact that I’m not really sure what that is.

I have been busy. That’s true enough. The end of the school year is always packed with craziness that makes it hard for me to focus on anything but the end of the year, but honestly, I didn’t really feel that this year. If anything, I moseyed through it, not even worrying about packing my room, or cleaning. I did it methodically, mechanically. It just was.

Girls Scouts has been taking a huge chunk of my time. Yeah, that’s true as well. But that isn’t something I mind carving time for. I might not “love” being so involved with the Scouts all the time, but the girls love it and therefore I love being a part of that. And if that includes worrying over troop finance and why parents aren’t paying their dues, well, it’s part and parcel.

I’ve been crafty. Hoo Boy is that true!! I was determined to finish a scrapbook about last summer and I did. Of course, I sacrificed sleep and time from other things, but it was totally worth it. I finished a HUGE project! And it turned out really nice, if I say so myself. And scrapbooking is something I really enjoy. But I’ve also been crocheting like mad and working on other minor projects. It’s in my blood, I think, the craftiness I mean. I don’t feel right in my “free” time unless I am working on something (free time here is defined by anytime I am not spending with the girls or at work).

I’ve been reading. And honestly, re-reading. As I’ve gotten older and approaching another birthday I’ve been thinking about more philosophical things…living a good life, being just…the nature of zombies…that sort of thing, so I’ve been indulging in my philosophy books. Currently on my bedside table, The Republic, Brave New World, Sophie’s World, and The Undead and Philosophy.

I want to be able to say that I have been writing, but I can’t. I mean really, I haven’t even blogged (obviously). I haven’t looked at a story since god knows when. I’ve had ideas that I’ve jotted down, snippets of a conversation that some of my characters could have, descriptions of locations and people. But I haven’t written. Not like I should. Not like I need to be doing if I am ever, EVER going to get something published. Not a paragraph…a sentence…a word. I think that upsets me the most. I have these words and don’t use them as I should.

So that brings me to why I really haven’t been blogging. While all of the above keeps me pretty busy, not a single reason given is what keeps my fingers from the keys. So what is?

Fear.

Fear that my words won’t be interesting. Fear that what I have to say is stupid. Fear that what I write about will apply only to me and not matter anywhere else. Fear that I won’t be witty enough. Fear that what I do say might offend someone I care about.

Fear. Old-fashioned, predictable fear. It keeps me doing what I’ve always done because I fear what might happen if I do what I really want to do. And now that I’ve owned up and admitted it loud and clear not just to myself, but to the world, I need to do something about it. So, I will remind myself of my senior quote in my yearbook:

“Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.” ~ Shakespeare

Granted, today’s meaning has been perverted from the original utterance proclaimed boldly and with a good deal of menace by Pistol to Falstaff in The Merry Wives of Windsor. Either meaning, I would think, serves me well here.

I will boldly go out and hack my way through the world, taking as needed, with steely eyes and a will forged in the bowels of a volcano OR I’ll wander out into a world that is just waiting to reveal its glorious riches to one who seeks them.

But remember, I’m non-confrontational, so if you see me coming, just step to the side a bit. If you don’t mind.

Untitled - March 22

Death is never an easy thing to deal with, but I imagine that it is easier to accept when a person has lived a full life or spent a long time fighting an illness. But the death of a young person…I can’t even imagine it. And yet today, I faced it.

One of my former students was shot in a drive-by on Saturday. Out for a drive with her sister and cousin…In the wrong place at the wrong time…

She was 16.

She was one of the truly nice students I have had the pleasure of teaching over the years. She was a sweet girl, friendly and outgoing.

To her family, my heart and thoughts go out to you.

Weekly Wrap Up

I had great intentions for this weekend. Then again, don't I always have "big" intentions on the weekends? There was a birthday party. The library. Cleaning. OMG! Laundry! But between picking up whatever Cyra had last week and feeling "yicky" on top of that, I accomplished just about nothing! But that's okay, because as Zoe demonstrated when you nap, you really don't care what's going on around you.

I did manage the library yesterday, but only because our books were due and then because I was in a rush to get out and get home, I ended up grabbing books that I had already read.

The weather today certainly didn't encourage me to do anything either. I couldn't send the girls out to play and so all throughout the day I heard a chorus of "I'm bored!" and "There's nothing to do!" Ahh! Such familiar phrases and after a while when Scott got sick of me and told me to stop whining, I settled in on the couch with some crochet and Firefly. I got through six episodes (including the pilot) and I almost finished a dall scarf for Cyra's American Girl. When this one is finished, I'll work one for Ashleigh's doll.

The girls on the other hand slunk upstairs and played. Except that really, Ashleigh played on her computer and Cyra, a girl after my own heart, napped her boredom away. Exactly what one always wants to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The sun finally makes its appearance at the end of the day.

Weekly Wrap-Up

This week has been one of the busiest so far this year. Between Girl Scouts, FCAT, cookie booths, a broken car and hours in a walk-in clinic on Saturday, I've barely had time to breathe, let alone post anything. That being said, I did manage to capture a photo that sums up the week nicely. I call it: Girl with Puke Bowl.

Cheers,

Heather

First Ever Weekly Wrap-Up

I wanted to do a “photo-finish Friday” bit where I wrap up my week; but quite honestly, that is being too ambitious even for me…so instead, I’ll try a Sunday Photo Wrap-Up.

Enjoy.

Florida panthers, catnapping in the sunshine...

...What I wanted to be doing all week--especially with the chilly temperatures!

Cheers,

Heather

Open Letter to My BFFs (who like ninjas)

Dear BFFs,

How are you? I hope that everything is going well for you.

Pleasantries aside, I have a very important message and request for you.

Please reproduce. Please!

You are denying the world of your DNA. More importantly, I thought up an awesome idea for a baby gift while I was in the shower the other day. It is a brilliant idea. I could potentially make millions (well, at least hundreds). But in order for my idea to be realized, someone needs to have a baby.

It's a contest. The first BFF to reproduce gets the results of my brilliant idea. Not only will you love it, but your baby will have the coolest baby gift on the face of the planet.

Let me repeat that: THE COOLEST!!!

Your baby will be the envy of all other babies. The parents of those other babies will be all like, “OMG! Where did you get that? It is the coolest ever!” (Note that all those other parents are silly nitwits who insist on twirling their hair and naming their children things like Bitsy and Milford while you, my awesome BFFs, will name your kids things like Bloodaxe and Artemis.)

So, my dear BFFs, I implore you to not wait another year. I have already started making the gift. So act now! Don't wait another day! Reproduce! First baby out wins big!!

Cheers,
Heather