I'm not doing this today.

I wrote a long post about something that happened this morning, but as I finished it up, I realized that it was just pissing me off even more and I do not want to dwell on it or complain about it because it really isn't that big of a deal. So, please enjoy the following photos of Junie opening her stocking on Christmas morning. It makes me smile. I hope it makes you smile too.

Angry

Lately I have had this bubble of anger sitting in my chest. I know it isn’t PMS because it has been there, ready to explode at a wrong glance, a wrong tone, a wrong breath since before the New Year. I am angry at serious and frivolous things alike. My anger isn’t directed at anyone. It is just there. Existing in a place that I am determined to keep locked down, beaten back and tamed.

I am angry

…because I let Scott convince me that it was okay to quit my job.

…because he was so good at convincing me (although to be fair, I really didn’t need much convincing).

…because I have been passed over for every single job I have applied for, even the ones I didn’t really want in the first place.

…because my best friend hurts and I am helpless.

…because I still have to budget every cent perfectly or we end up not eating or paying a bill.

…because I can’t buy my children the things they want.

…because every decision I make is based on needs versus wants.

…because I let friendships slip away and do nothing about it.

…because I can’t afford to buy chickens and rabbits yet.

…because some conversations always end in a fight no matter what I do.

…because I won’t stick to a diet or exercise routine.

…because I don’t want to disappoint my family and I know I do.

…because I feel isolated and alone.

…because I cry and can’t explain to Scott why.

…because every time I sit down to write, I end up staring at a blank screen wondering where I got this crazy idea that I could write.

…because I waste so much time doubting my own abilities.

…because I shouldn’t have to justify or defend my choices.

…because nine years ago I listened to one single doctor instead of getting a second opinion.

…because the one thing in the world that I want I don’t think I can ever have.

I am angry because I feel so very angry.

I feel wrapped up in a tornado hovering over a whirlpool right next to the edge of a black hole. And it makes me want to puke.

Anger is akin to gravity I think. A silent invisible force that you don’t really think about until BAM! There it is whipping your emotions into intense hot radiating flames that strike out without warning. Ran out of milk? No problem any other day, but today? ANGER! And that empty milk jug represents all that is wrong in the world and who the Hell can I yell at and blame because Bloody Hell there isn’t any milk for my Damn coffee. Disregard the fact that I was the one that drank the last of it yesterday at dinner when I just had to have a Black Russian.

It would be nice if we could subdue our emotions like Vulcans, but that would detract from our humanity and play into a fantasy. And my anger, petty and frivolous as it might be, is still very real and very painful and I should acknowledge it.

And now that I have, I can figure out what to do with it.

I can’t change what happens in life any more than I can change the rotation of the moon. But I can change my attitude and my emotional outlook on things. So, I might be angry right now for a variety of reasons but that certainly doesn’t mean I can’t change how I feel. I can accept the anger for what it is and work to overcome it, to turn it into something positive. As it happens I claim to like change and Scott says I thrive in chaos. The very circumstances I find myself in right now: Change and Chaos. I certainly wouldn’t mind if the universe calmed down a bit for me…smoothed out some of these rough patches that I am feeling, maybe even made something easy for me.

But maybe that’s too much to ask for, so leave off the easy part. I can deal with doing things the hard way.

And I certainly don’t mind a challenge.

So…I guess that means smooth is out too.

Sigh.

February

Sara says that February is the single suckiest month there is. I have to agree. With a weeks distance between me and February, I feel I can now safely comment on this stupid month.

For some reason, mayhap because of the shortness of it, February always finds me short on funds. No matter what. Ever since I can remember…well since I started paying taxes and bills, I am always in a position of trying to figure out which bill I am going to short in February. And simply because it is a bad economic environment does not explain this away. February is only short by two days, but those two days seem to have great pull. I can’t explain it at all. Now, I won’t claim that money is flowing from the money tree every other month; it is often that we are tight, but February is unique in its short change. It isn’t Christmas effects, because I am pretty good about not buying stuff I don’t have money for (at Christmas time anyway). In addition to the short fall for bills stupid stuff always seems to happen in February that requires a large amount of cash to fix. This year? It was the computer (see my previous post about what Scott did).

Since becoming a teacher February also brings about the hated and despised FCAT writing test, truly the worst judge of an 8th grader’s writing ability. Nothing like massive amounts of pressure to make a 13 year old spew out a brilliant 5-paragraph essay in 45 minutes or less. Not only does it suck for the students, but it sucks for the teachers because the admins start fussing, mussing and micro-managing what we do in the classroom. Apparently, we teachers are not doing our jobs at all even though we get good reviews on observation days and maintain lesson plans and portfolios and diligently repeat repeat repeat lessons and do grade recovery and oh man the list goes on. Come February, everyone from academic coaches to district cluster chiefs feel we don’t teach enough. It would probably help the system if we went back to actually teaching information rather than teaching strategies to understand information (you know like memorize the multiplication table, instead of a multiplication strategy).

Next, of course is my least favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. I hate this stupid commercial day of forced love! I can not remember liking Valentine’s Day since I was in elementary school. It has nothing to do with love…maybe once it did, but now it has to do with “how much do you love?” And really, I love Scott everyday (yes even when I want to kill him) and he loves me everyday. I don’t need one day out the whole year to show love. I show him everyday, in a thousand little ways, making him lunch, ironing his shirt, kissing him goodbye and telling him, “Be safe.” These might seem like “domestic” or “trivial” acts of love, but love is a daily commitment and affirmation. It is work and flexibility, compromise and determination. Relationships take work. And yes it is nice to have a “romantic” evening out, giving a flower and all that, but I refuse to be told to do it, to make it a commercial event. One day a year to make a show of love is a ridiculous expectation. People get too wrapped up in “romantic” love and don’t pay attention to real love. (By the way, I feel the same way about Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and all those other days. Ridiculous!)

Let’s talk about the weather. February in Florida is like dealing with an emo, manic-depressive angst-ridden teenager. One day it is freezing the next it is in the high 70s. It gets rainy, foggy, yucky, and can’t ever make up its mind about what it really wants to do. And on top of that: Groundhog’s Day!! What is the point? Six more weeks of winter? Early Spring? It doesn’t matter!! Spring starts March 21st each year anyway and February 2nd is roughly six weeks before it. Why doesn’t anyone see this connection? It’s like trying to play mind games with us so we don’t all get Jack Nickolas crazy-like in The Shining because we are miserable in winter blues. And people get miserable sick in February. It’s the height of Flu and cold season and for first time someone in my family got the Flu and when did it happen? February! Cyra was hit the last week. Thankfully, it was the head and ache flu and not the stomach puking flu!

Finally, (and this is going to sound politically incorrect and prejudiced at first but bear with it, because I do have a point) February is Black History Month. Now, what have I got against African Americans? Nothing. I just think it is ridiculous to have history “months” in general. My problem is that history should be taken as a whole, not chunks separated out by people, but chunks separated by time. All history should be explored because it is in our history that we figure out who we are. Race and ethnicity should not be a factor in studying history. It should not be, “Oh, it’s February, let’s study black history.” Or “Oh, it’s March, let’s study women’s history.” History does not happen in isolation, therefore, we can not study isolated pockets and hope to understand.

Now, that being said, I also have a problem with the term “African-American.” We are in a day and age when we need to look at our race as “human.” And our nationality? Well, where were you born? Poland? Guess what? You’re Polish regardless of skin color. South Africa? You’re South African. American?? Guess what? You are AMERICAN regardless of skin color. The only people who should be referred to as African-Americans are those who immigrated to America and became citizens (even then, I have issues because if they became citizens then they are American). How silly would it be for me to walk around saying I’m Irish-English-Scandinavian-American even though it was three or more generations ago that my ancestors immigrated here? I might have Irish ancestry, but I am American. I might have Scandinavian relatives, but I am an American. Yes, the history of slavery is tragic, inexcusable and devastating, however, we cannot change history; we can only study it and learn from it. And one month isn’t going to accomplish that!

The only good things to ever come out of February: my mom’s birthday (which I didn’t even get to celebrate with her yet because Cyra was sick with the flu!) and my niece’s birthday. Everything else? I’d just as soon hibernate through the month. Now that March is here and Spring is on its way, things are looking up!

Live and Learn

Okay, so here’s the gist of what has been going on this week.

Number 1

- Florida Writes. This inhuman test of an 8th graders ability to barf an essay onto a piece a paper is a major hassle and an inconsistent way of judging whether or not a student can write. I’ve kids who can write brilliantly if given enough time. I’ve no love for standardized testing though I understand the concept. I would rather go to a portfolio based assessment program, unfortunately, many teachers are too lazy to want to keep up with all that paper and a portfolio system would cost the district more money since someone would have to collect the portfolios and “grade” them. Anyway, the test was on Tuesday and the week leading up to it was so incredibly stressed, I have no words for it. I can say that I am exceptionally proud of my homeroom. For a group of kids that had barely given me an inch all year long, they showed out well on test day. They all planned and all but one of them wrote a full page and most of them wrote front and back - a whole actual essay! We’ll see how their grades turn out in late May, but I am hopeful. Besides, if they do well, my principal is more likely to keep me on in the face of HUGE budget cuts coming down the road.

Number 2

- Wednesday I got home to pretty crappy news. My non-tech savvy husband managed (and I’m still trying to figure out how) to perform a complete system wipe on my computer. I know it involved one of the cats and the keyboard, beyond that, I’m at a loss, as is he. So, I yelled, screamed, cried, begged the computer gods to wake me up because you see…I did not have a backup. So, I got on the phone, to my tech geek buddy at work who said, “that sounds bad.” And he referred me to a geek company, who said, “Wow? Really? A complete system wipe? Wow. That’s bad.” Then they offered an outrageous fee per hour to attempt (attempt - not guarantee) to recover some (SOME) data. I called my big brother. Still crying, and was informed that “yup, it is bad and really there isn’t much hope.” I believe my big brother. I do. I put faith in his knowledge of computer geekiness but that did not stop me from calling an additional 12 computer repair companies in town to try to get my data back.

So where did this leave me? Well, fearing for his life, Scott slept on the couch after I threw a phonebook at the wall, screamed, “Fuck all this, I’m going to bed” and slammed into the bedroom at 7:00pm. Thursday was not much better. I kept thinking about the lost pictures, the lost stories, the lost everything! I moped through the day, grouching at my students, not yelling at them, but just in a funk and they knew it and for the most part left me be and actually worked. By the time I got home, I was still upset but not mad anymore. After all, Scott didn’t do anything on purpose. It was just something that happened. I made some attempts to get the computer back up in working order and realized that a daunting task lay before me.

My computer was 6+ years old and while in human terms that isn’t very long, in computer terms, my faithful tower should have already been put out to pasture, sent to the great PC pile in the sky. I started in with updates and downloads from Microsoft. Even with high speed internet it took about an hour to download everything. Then I tried to open Word. My product code have been deleted. Yikes! So I called up HP and begged for them to give me my product code so I could reinstall it. The nice foreign lady explained to me that it would cost a nice shiny credit card for them to remotely access my computer and manually input that information. And that it would take up to three - five days and would cost me $56.95 each day! What? I politely declined. By the time Scott got home Thursday night, I was no longer mad or upset, just frustrated with the reality of the situation. I told Scott that I wasn’t mad at him. I was just sad at the loss. He said he was sorry, and that I could blame him all I wanted. Instead I spent a good ten minutes hitting him with a throw pillow. While I felt better afterward, it was kind-of pitiful because he just took it.

That left me Friday to think about what to do. I had already had plans to purchase a new graphic card so that I could play Spore. The more I thought about the amount of money I needed to spend to update the system the more I began to think maybe it would be more cost effective to get a new system. I researched. Which is what I do. And found that graphic cards are expensive. And one that would be compatible with my ancient motherboard was about $200. Yikes! Again.

So, with Scott’s bonus check for making Salesman of the Year, I went out today and purchased a new HP Pavilion desktop for under $650. It was bundled with a flat screen monitor (which is beautiful) and printer (which I didn’t need, but can give to Ashleigh to have in her room). It has about a gazillion GBs of hard drive space (and read that gazillion as 500 GB which is almost 3 times as much as I had before and I hadn't come anywhere near to filling it all up). I brought it home, plugged cords in like mad and was rewarded with a shiny new computer.

So the story ends with a lesson learned - I bought an external, portable hard drive that I will use to religiously back up my files once weekly. A “big” purchase with money that wasn’t slated for anything and that we didn’t account for when budgeting (and really, I’m just doing my part to help the economy!). And a realization that stuff is just stuff. I may have lost photos of my girls, but I still have my girls. I may have lost stories and ideas, but I’m full of ideas and stories (just ask Sara). And one of the reasons (aside from financially) that I hadn’t purchased a new systems was because of the hassle of transferring files. Not a problem now. And what’s more beyond that, I know have the capability to use ALL my Sims expansion packs without crashing the computer or closing 30 background tasks while I play!

So, live more, learn more, take more pictures, play more Sims, write more stories, rip more music…and apologize to the husband for yelling at him because, of course, I should know better than to not have back-ups!

Silent Fury

I'm not exactly ready to blog about certain events yet as I am still to pissed off to blog objectively, however, the moment will be coming and all will be revealed. That my husband is still alive and untouched is a testament to my previously unknown self-control. So really that is all I have to say for now until I get some perspective.