How are you? I hope that everything is going well for you.
Pleasantries aside, I have a very important message and request for you.
Please reproduce. Please!
You are denying the world of your DNA. More importantly, I thought up an awesome idea for a baby gift while I was in the shower the other day. It is a brilliant idea. I could potentially make millions (well, at least hundreds). But in order for my idea to be realized, someone needs to have a baby.
It's a contest. The first BFF to reproduce gets the results of my brilliant idea. Not only will you love it, but your baby will have the coolest baby gift on the face of the planet.
Let me repeat that: THE COOLEST!!!
Your baby will be the envy of all other babies. The parents of those other babies will be all like, “OMG! Where did you get that? It is the coolest ever!” (Note that all those other parents are silly nitwits who insist on twirling their hair and naming their children things like Bitsy and Milford while you, my awesome BFFs, will name your kids things like Bloodaxe and Artemis.)
So, my dear BFFs, I implore you to not wait another year. I have already started making the gift. So act now! Don't wait another day! Reproduce! First baby out wins big!!